“I’ve changed my mind.” We have all heard the expression. Maybe we have used it ourselves to explain a dramatic new behaviour or a change of habit. Well for the best part of four years I have wanted to change my mind, but was unable to do so. You see on the 3rd March 2008 my beautiful and brave baby daughter, Emily, lost her four year battle against a very rare, incurable cancer. She was just nine years old. I very nearly lost my mind.
I fell into the very nasty habit of depression. A thought or memory would come to mind and my emotions would nosedive into a vortex of despair. I turned my back on everything and everyone I loved. Nothing made sense anymore. I could find no pleasure in life. If one’s mind is like a computer, then mine had definitely crashed; it was stuck on some internal process; all processing capacity was engaged in some internal dialogue. I could not function at work. The Chair of the organisation where I worked was, coincidentally, a trained counsellor. He recognised that I was suffering from depression and said that I needed help. I went to my doctor who prescribed antidepressants. I refused to take these powerful mind distorting drugs. I just could not see the logic of a chemical being able to help me with my life.
I then went for treatment, at different times, with two independent counsellors. They each recognised that I was suffering from depression, but could not really provide the help I needed. I went to two separate hypnotherapists with the same result. There seemed to be no answer to my debilitating state of mind. Then I came across this website and read about Darren Marks. I discovered that Darren had worked as a hypnotherapist for The South East Cancer Help Centre for many years. I downloaded a recording of Darren from another website, dealing with weight loss, partly because I had put on two stone in four years comfort eating, but also because I wanted to listen to him; to see if he was someone with whom I could work.
I made a phone call and arranged an appointment with Darren. I drove the 120 miles to his consulting rooms and at our first meeting, lasting one hour, I explained my problem. He suggested that we meet again the following week, this time for two hours. In the second meeting Darren guided me through a number of mental exercises where I was required to use my imagination and memory. Darren made the process was very easy. The time flew by. We met one more time for a follow up session. This was future orientated and lasted just one hour. I enjoyed the experience of meeting Darren. On the journey home I remember thinking, “Surely, no-one can feel this good all the time.”
Its early days yet, but all the signs are positive. I have had reason to talk about Emily twice this week. On both occasions I have managed to do so without breaking down. This is a major breakthrough for me. In the past, even writing this article would have reduced me to tears and I am not sure I would ever have completed it. Now, whilst it still saddens me to think about Emily’s suffering and all the good things she will miss as part of growing up I can accept what has happened. I will always love and miss Emily, but now I can cope.
There have been a number of pleasant surprises that I have experienced since my therapy with Darren: I am more decisive; Issues that previously would have seemed insurmountable I now take in my stride; I have more energy; and I am enjoying the little pleasures in life that had previously eluded me, like listening to music or noticing the beauty of Wales and its people in a way that is new to me. I have been too busy to think about my weight or dieting or exercise, so imagine my surprise to find that I have lost 5 pounds over the last two weeks; another pleasant surprise. I look forward to what else life has to offer in the future.
Going back to the computer analogy, Darren did not simply repair the software of my mind. He upgraded it. Together we changed my mind for the better. Thank you, Darren.
